How to Make Dating Apps Work for You: Find Real Connections
So, you’re swiping, matching, messaging…and still, nothing’s clicking. Maybe you’re fed up with shallow conversations that die off in two messages, or tired of ghosting and one-sided efforts. Dating apps aren’t always what they’re cracked up to be, especially when it feels like a cycle of matching and losing interest before things even start.
But here’s the truth: while dating apps have their issues, we’re not totally off the hook either. Sometimes, the things we’re doing (or not doing) can make dating apps feel more frustrating than fun. So, before swiping right again, let’s get real about what could be holding us back—and what we can do about it.
1. Rethink the “Effort Balance”
There’s this trend on social media, especially on platforms like TikTok and Instagram, where the advice goes like this: “Don’t chase anyone. If they’re interested, they’ll do all the work.” But here’s the catch: healthy dating doesn’t happen when one person does all the chasing. It’s a two-way street. Yes, it’s fine to have standards and expect effort, but if you’re giving nothing back, conversations will fizzle out fast.
Ask yourself: Are you putting in half the effort? Do you keep the conversation alive, or are you waiting for the other person to carry it? It’s easy to think, “Well, if he’s interested, he’ll ask me questions.” But here’s the reality—everyone wants to feel that the interest is mutual.
Balancing Effort in Conversations: The Key to Meaningful Connections
Solution:
Next time, if someone texts, respond thoughtfully and on time. Don’t be afraid to show genuine interest! If they ask you a question, answer it with detail and throw one back. Show them you’re engaged, not just waiting for them to impress you. Ask follow-up questions and keep the conversation flowing. Give them a chance to open up too—it’s a two-way street. When you make it clear that you’re genuinely interested, conversations start to feel real and meaningful.
2. Be Open About Your Intentions, Not Just Your Expectations
A lot of us approach dating with a mental checklist, looking for someone who ticks all our boxes. We’ve all got standards and ideas of what we want, which is natural. But here’s the thing—it’s not just about what they bring to the table, it’s also about what we’re offering. Are we showing up as the open, communicative, and genuine people we want them to be? Sometimes, we get so focused on finding “the one” who fits our expectations that we forget to be the type of person we’d want to date too.
And let’s talk about those expectations. Social media often suggests that “the right person” will magically meet every need without much effort on our end—like we can sit back and wait for them to prove themselves. But that mentality can quickly create an unbalanced dynamic, one where we’re more focused on “getting” than “giving.” It’s great to know what you’re looking for, but are you also clear about what you’re willing to give? Being open about your own intentions shows that you’re there to connect and build something meaningful.
Instead of waiting for someone to meet your checklist, show that you’re ready to meet them halfway. This doesn’t mean lowering your standards but rather bringing your best self to the table. Openness can transform conversations from surface-level to genuinely engaging. It helps the other person feel like you’re not just testing them—you’re genuinely interested in seeing where things can go together.
Solution:
Take a minute to think about your own dating vibe. Are you coming off as interested and engaging? Or are you waiting for them to “prove” something? Instead, show them what you’re about and what you’re looking for. This way, they’ll feel like they’re getting to know the real you and not just someone who’s there to judge their potential.
3. Stay Away from Mind Games—Communication Is Key
Effort in Dating App Conversations: Genuine Communication without Mind Games
A major struggle on dating apps is when conversations just…fade. Sometimes, it’s due to overthinking: we play it cool, wait hours (or days) to respond, and expect the other person to chase. But realistically, everyone’s busy, everyone’s swiping, and most people move on if they don’t get a reply for too long. By the time we finally respond, they might already have lost interest or moved on to someone else who was more consistent.
If you’re not consistently communicating, it’s going to show. There’s advice out there that says, “Don’t double text,” or “Wait three hours to reply,” but really, communication doesn’t need to be a game. The truth is, holding off on replies often comes across as disinterest or even disrespect. If you’re genuinely interested, let them know without second-guessing every move. Consistency builds trust and shows that you’re invested in getting to know them. And if they’re not responding, move on instead of holding out for hours hoping they’ll change their mind—there’s always someone out there ready to put in the same energy as you.
Solution:
Drop the response games and just be straightforward. Not every message needs to be instant, but if you’re interested, let them know. Being open with communication is way more attractive than playing games that might make them lose interest.
4. Make Conversations Interesting and Worthwhile
One of the biggest reasons dating app conversations fizzle out? They’re boring. “Hey,” “What’s up?” and “How’s your day?” can only go so far before things start to feel stale. Ask yourself—are you bringing interesting energy into the chat, or are you waiting for them to take the lead on every conversation?
When we rely on surface-level chat, we don’t give the other person much to work with. Think about what you’d like to talk about, share fun facts, or even just send a quick, playful message to keep things light and engaging. Don’t expect all conversations to be epic, but also don’t let things slide into autopilot mode.
Solution:
Next time you’re messaging, add more substance to the chat. Ask questions that dig a bit deeper or share something cool that happened in your day. Make it less about “getting to know the basics” and more about making each conversation feel like a little adventure.
5. Don’t Ghost—It Kills More Than Just a Conversation
Ghosting is easy and sometimes feels like the “safest” way to end a chat, but it’s also one of the main reasons dating apps feel so exhausting. When we ghost someone, we’re not only being a bit unfair to them, but we’re also creating a cycle where ghosting becomes the norm. If you’re feeling like someone isn’t a good fit, consider closing the conversation respectfully instead of disappearing.
For a lot of people, especially if they’ve been ghosted before, it can leave a pretty negative impact. Being respectful, even in short online interactions, can go a long way to improving your dating experience and the overall vibe on dating apps.
Solution:
If things aren’t clicking, send a polite message to end the conversation. A simple, “Hey, I don’t think this is the connection I’m looking for, but I appreciate the conversation,” goes a long way and leaves things on a respectful note. Another option could be, “I appreciate getting to know you, but I’m not sure we’re quite the right fit. Thanks for understanding! Ending on a positive note leaves room for mutual respect
6. Reevaluate Your Goals and Expectations
Are you genuinely open to meeting someone, or are you hoping for a movie-style romance where the “perfect” person suddenly appears and does all the work? Sometimes our expectations can set us up for disappointment. We’re quick to swipe left, quick to ignore, or quick to label someone boring if they’re not immediately what we imagined.
Instead, try approaching each new connection with curiosity, not high expectations. Often, our “type” or checklist ends up being less important than we think, and finding someone who just gets along with us is what really matters.
Embracing New Perspectives: Stepping Through the Open Mind Door
Solution:
Before diving into dating apps, remind yourself of what really matters to you. Approach each match with an open mind, and let things unfold naturally. You may be surprised by the people you connect with when you let go of rigid ideas.
Final Take: Keep an Open Mind and Enjoy the Process
Dating apps aren’t perfect, but sometimes they’re less about the platform and more about the way we approach them. With a little extra effort and openness, you can make dating apps feel less like a chore and more like an actual way to meet interesting people.
If you’re tired of the usual advice on social media, remember that dating should be a two-way street. Be ready to put in some effort, have fun, and treat the person on the other side like an actual human. This approach can make the whole experience better—for you and for them.